I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, cottage cheese;
I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts,
I can get where I want to – north, south, east or west;
I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink I don’t end up in tears;
I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair;
And I don’t go around checking my reflection,
In everything shiny window from every direction;
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early,
And when you ask why get all bitter and surly;
I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing,
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring!
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back,
I don’t carry our differences into the sack;
I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you,
Or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you;
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too,
I know what the time is and I know what to do;
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
To have these two balls and stand when I pee;
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball,
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all;
I won’t cry if you say it’s not going to work,
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk!
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure,
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure;
Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a man, you see,
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery;
I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days,
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise;
I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true,
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!
by Steven Wood.
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